The Post I Promised

Here is the “make you wet your pants” post I was telling you about. And of course this story comes from my friend, Frannie.

A few days back, Frannie decided to hold a little contest. We were suppose to send Frannie our funniest, weirdest stories about either when we had company or when we were the “company.” The following is one of my favorites!

A couple of years ago I was in Florida to see Keith's kids and we stayed with my cousin Wanda. She's a real sweetie, more like the sister I never had. Anyway, she and her new husband had to go out the second day we were there so before she left she gave me instructions on arming and disarming her security system just in case she didn't get home before we did that night. As luck would have it, we got home first and the house was pitch black. She lives in the woods north of Tarpon Springs. We had forgotten to turn on the outside light and of course we didn't remember to leave on an inside one either...go figure. We finally found the right key on her jailer's assortment of keys with the help of the headlights from the car. It must have taken Keith 10 tries to get the lights angled toward the key hole and he only took out 4 shrubs in the process. Imagine Wanda coming home to see her tropical jungle mowed down by our car.

When we finally got the door opened, we entered the black hole of Calcutta and realized I had to disarm the security alarm. Duh, you'd think I would have remembered that little bit of information but nooo, not moi.. As Keith, in his usual dulcet tones asked me..."How do you disarm this @#%^^ @##% thing?" I told him, in my normal calm voice..."I can't remember with you yelling at me. Let me find the light switch and we'll assess the situation."

Keith: "You don't know where the light switch is?"

Me: "It has to be on this wall somewhere."

Keith: "This alarm is going to blow any second now!"

Me: "Maybe the switch isn't on this wall...let me try the wall over here." As I swept my hand over the cold damp plaster there was a bump and a crash.

Keith: "What the @#$% was that?"

Me: "Why dear, I do believe I bumped into a piece of furniture and knocked something off it. As soon as you calm down and stop yelling, I'll find that little ole switch, look at the alarm and disarm it before we get a visit from the Keystone cops."

Just as my hand finally touched the magic switch plate the room was a blaze of light and with calm demeanor, I looked at the alarm and remembered the combination and saved the day. Almost...there on the floor in a million shards of glass was my dear, sweet cousin's ginger jar and lots of dust. I quickly found the dust pan and swept up the evidence and asked Keith how much money we had on us because in the morning we'd have to find another Ming vase to replace the ginger jar.

Enters dear sweet cousin Wanda and her new husband. "How was your evening. Any problems with the alarm system?"

Me: "Why, no. I disarmed it as soon as I came in. But I have to inform you that your home was planned very strangely. There isn't a wall switch on the entrance wall. It's over on the side wall behind the former ginger jar."

Wanda: "Former ginger jar?"

Me: "Yes, it blocked the light switch and when I bumped into the little table in the pitch black darkness, I accidentally knocked the jar onto the floor."

Wanda: "What did you do with it and the contents?"

Me: "I swept the mess up."

Wanda: "Mess...that was my dear deceased first husband's ashes in his cremation urn. What have you done with Dick?"

Well, now I was at a loss for words but Keith interjected. "It appears that Dick is in the trash under the sink. I'm sure Nancy will be more than happy to sift through the egg shells and coffee grounds and retrieve Dick."
Carl, her new husband: "I told you to get rid of your dear deceased first husband's ashes before we got married. I'm glad he's in the trash and not on center stage every time I come in the door."

As my dear sweet cousin Wanda and her new uncaring, insensitive lout of a husband continued their discussion at the top of their lungs, Keith and I beat a hasty retreat into the guest room and didn't reappear until morning.

We replaced the urn with a ginger jar from Target. It sure looked just like a cremation urn to me but then, I'd never even seen a real cremation urn up front and personal before. We left for Indiana right after handing Wanda the vessel for Dick who now had a few egg shells clinging to his remains. She had really sifted through the trash while we were gone! She put him in the jar and now it sits on top of the bookcase in the office, out of traffic and danger from her clumsy cousin.

When we left, Carl (husband number two) winked and said: "I can't wait to get out of the house and away from Wanda to let out a belly laugh...that's the most fun I've had since moving in here."

P.S. We haven’t been invited back. ;-)

Wasn’t that worth waiting for? I laughed until I cried.

Personal Note ~ David is experiencing some problems (not major, mostly he is very sore). We do have the kids, so that is one of the reasons I am posting this a little early. This is promising to be a very busy weekend! Thank you for keeping David, Travis and the other driver in your prayers.

The tub that was being used by "lil orphan girl" has/had a new resident. One of the cats caught a baby rabbit. It wasn't hurt, but the kids wanted to keep it inside overnight and release in the pasture tomorrow....only he doesn't seem to be in the tub ....now... What do people who live in town do for entertainment? (I can't wait 'til my sister reads this. She lives in Chicago.)